I Got That A Lot

I learned a lot from that first record and I learned a lot from my experiences touring, but really the biggest education I got over the past few years was learning the importance of family bonding. By the way, people usually defined 'family' as a circle of strength or like branches on a tree - because the members grow in different directions yet their roots remain as one. But, as for me, up until this moment, I still cannot find any suitable phrases to pictured what family meant to me.

Because they are too meaningful yet I can only smile whenever I think of them. Pretty clueless. Yes, I am. Since I was kid, I have never been apart from them for a very long period - except when I have to join the camps or any tournaments. Well, it was not that I acted like a spoiled kid and could not adapt to live a day without them but how could I explain this?

It is just that I like the feeling when they are around.

Plus, we are closed to each other and my parents always taught me the value of family bonding and how each of our family members plays a vital role in maintaining our relationship. Even if sometimes, we did fight with each other but at the end of the day, we will unite as one - Family will remains as a family.

Furthermore, how could we not get back together if my parents are type of person who would will never take family for granted. And they will prioritize our family in every aspect.

I still remembered asking dad questions;

"Why you are not working till late at night? Why you are already home at *5.00 pm?"

And he replied; 

"Because *5.00 pm until the next morning is a time I must spend with my family. I work to earn money for our living and to provide our family with what they needed instead of ensuring that all of you are happy. If I come home late at night, and if it happened that all of you had fallen asleep the moment I reached home, I won't be able to see how happy you guys are on that day. And of course, that would be my biggest regret."

Eventually, his words knocked the door of my heart and that I realized, I should have put my family as a priority too. For whatever happened, family comes first. However, not everyone understand my family's perception towards our bonding yet they simply address me and my siblings as 'dependent kids'. Yeah, I got that a lot.

Wherever I go, most people will give me that kind of 'she-is-a-spoiled-kid' looks and they thought it was hard to approach and befriend with me. But somehow I found it was kinda funny. Hence, I never take their words into heart.

This is because, when I look back, I come to sense that most of them who called me as 'dependent kid' were actually came from families who did not have time to spend together. Plus, their  parents were hardly at home. Therefore, I had decided to just ignore their words and hey! I don't think being labelled as 'dependent kid' is worst instead if I looked on a positive side, it is more like a boaster for me.

Making Judgement

We know that everyone in this planet is good at making judgement and yes! They judge almost every single thing that ever appeared in their visions either virtually or in reality - they judged the way celebrities acted, the way models walked on a runaway during fashion shows, the way strangers behaved at the bus stop and the worst is when they even judged the way their best friends dressed. 

Well. okay I know this is common among us but sometimes being too judgmental is annoying! I mean, come on people! Who are you to judge them? You don't even know their life so you better sit down and shut up. Plus, it is good if you stop voicing out negative judgement because it actually defines who you are.

Speaking of which, I still remember when people mistaken me for being arrogant just because I am good in English compared to other student (I have no intention in telling boast!). It happened during my elementary school years and I really had no idea on how to response to them. That was when I chose to remain silent as it would be better. However, my English teachers recognized my ability yet they offered me to join several competitions which I had refused politely. 

I know my ability and I know my limit too. Maybe I can handle doing preparations for the competitions but I cannot bear to work with those who kept on misjudging me. I have tried before but it never worked! And I was tired for trying. Sorry.

Luckily, my teachers and friends understand me. They never forced but kept on cheering up until today. Even if I did not join the competitions or any English-related teams, I was given a chance to coached a participant for 'Public Speaking'. Plus, there were times when teachers entrusted me to convert documents and proposals which were written in Malay into English. 

For 'teachers', I might be an excellent student but not for 'Cikgu'. If 'teachers' used to praise me for my vocabulary then it was not the same for 'Cikgu'. Furthermore, I did not remember getting any compliments from 'Cikgu' ever since I was in primary school. It was only;

" Sila jumpa saya untuk perbaiki karangan "

or

" Kurang pengetahuan tatabahasa dan penggunaan ayat yang tidak sesuai "

Now, would you dare to addressed me as arrogant? Would you still see me as an ignorant student who forget her mother tongue? And in case you are wondering, so YES! That was a concrete reason why I hardly use Malay when having online conversations or texting because believe it or not I would take some time to ponder for right words to use. 

Sometimes I had my messages in Malay ready to be sent but as I read through it once again I knew my sentences were all weird haha. Therefore, to make things easier, I had prefer to just sent them in English and of course I never mean to show off as if I came from Netherlands or USA. 

Now that I have been meeting new friends I think I should have make things clearer. I don't want us to misunderstand or misjudging each other so yeah, here I am writing a new 'Making Judgement' entry - which is more like a confession. 

To those who might think that I am lying or telling boast haha

By the way, even when I said I am good in English it does not indicates that I have zero grammatical errors  because I am still in the process of learning! Okay? Consequently, together, let's stop making up negative judgement because if you do, you are at lose - you are actually feeling insecure because someone had successfully became the person you ever imagined yourself in. 

A Movie Based On True Story That Affected Me The Most

Okay. That's it. Truthfully, I have been wondering about 'the movie which affected me the most' for quite sometimes that I had almost drowned into my own dreams when suddenly dad came and asked :

"Hey, what's with the gloomy face?"

Well, I could not really answered his questions yet I stretched my lips for 3mm which was equivalent to a smile - deep inside me, I would love to express every single thing that I have been experiencing and I would like to confess how guilty I was towards everyone for being the reason why our vacation was cancelled. 

Few minutes has passed but dad was still there at the same spot, looking at me straight in the eyes. God. I was caught red handed. He knew that I had actually got a lot of things playing in my mind and that he was expecting me to share with him like I used to.

By the way, yes! I used to share my problems with him and to be honest I am closer to dad. He is the one whom I could talk to till late at night and he is the one who always keep my spirit high. When I am about to lose hope, he would come and motivated me like a pro. And of course, he never make me disappointed.

Back in the passed, it was hard for me to even say 'Dad, I love you' but then there was a reality show - The Return of Superman which encouraged me to do so. 

"This is not a movie but this is really a true story that affected me the most"

The show highlighted the bond between dads and their kids and trust me it was fantastic. When I first watched the show, I was touched as all dads were struggling to take care of their growing up kids.(and that is the moment when I started to realize that my dad had done the same)

Several Korean male celebrities including Choo Sung Hoon, Lee Hwijae and Song Il Gook had joined the show. 

The above scenes prove that Choo Sung Hoon was having a hard time handling his three years old daughter alone. He barely sit to enjoy his meals as Choo Sarang kept on requesting for various type of foods. He said it was tiring but still he won't let his kid disappointed because for him, Choo Sarang is everything.

Then, there was Lee Hwi Jae who had to take care of his twin sons ; Lee Seoun and Lee Seo Jun. If I am not mistaken, he joined this reality show ever since his kids were eight months. And of course it won't be easy to take care of the newborn babies but surprisingly Lee Hwi Jae did it! (without help from his wife) On the other hand, he also managed to feed and bathe the twins on his own. Therefore, I am sure he deserves the tittle 'Superman'.

For some people, raising up twins would be ordinary but how would they react if there was a dad who had to take care of his triplet sons alone? Well, at first I thought it might be impossible but then Song Il Gook proves me wrong. He did it. He did raise his triplet sons (Daehan, Minguk and Manse) on his own.

However, I bet that won't be an easy task. God. Il Gook had to be very cautious and stay alerted with his kids whereabouts. Eventually, this reminded me the moment when he was at the park with the triplets and it was a total chaos! The triplets were separating and heading towards three different ways on their own which as a result, Il Gook used cookies as bribes to keep them together.

So yes, the show really affected me. I can't get over it and slowly I started to realize that all dads deserve to be called as 'Superman' since they are very protective. Therefore, don't simply take our dads for granted or assumed that they never care about us just because they rarely at home. 

P/S : Please be noted that the triplets have done filming for this show and their last episode might be aired before / on February. - Song Ill Gook's Intagram

How Your Life Would Be Different If You Are Losing Your Memory Completely

Back then I used to questioned myself ; How would my life be different if I am losing my memory completely? How would I react if I wake up in a bedroom, thinking I am a pathetic eighteen years who is having a disastrous student's life when suddenly I looked at the mirror and realize, it is six years later! - I am actually twenty four years old, my hairs are straight and I am currently doing my houseman-ship at neurology department of John Hopkins Hospital! 

Okay, this is kinda serious and a bit ridiculous but nevermind. I need to just go with the flow. Let alone the memories of my past which I don't remember and focus to lead a better future. Well, remember! Not all memories are meant to be cherish forever. Trust me. On the other hand, I bet this would be one of the best parts in my life as I can be whoever I wanted to be and of course I won't let this chance slip away.

Therefore, if I ever happened to lose my memory completely, I will ;

1) Change my name as a fresh start and acted like a new person. At the same time, maybe I should consider to named myself the same as my favourite celebrity's - how cool!

2) Change my appearance and fashions. I mean, instead of wearing the same boring attires, I should have try to wear exclusive suit designed by famous designers - or at the very least, I will wear something up-to-date. 

3) Not having appointments with psychiatrist as I don't think I would like to recall my past memories. Well, just let bygones be bygones. It would be better.

4) Find new partner. Well, for someone who is losing her/his memory, I am sure I won't even remember my previous partner but that is not a big deal. I can choose either to stay with him/her or simply find a new one. 

5) Asked help from someone to investigate what had actually happened that caused me to lose my memory. If it is proven that I involved in an accident, i guess it is the right time to claim for the insurance and enjoy the money! 

6) Asked for a year leave with salary ( if I happened to have a job) and went to enjoy my new happy life with my new favorite person. Well, I am sure no one will get mad on me at that time instead they will try their best to help me gain my memories - which I don't want to remember.

7) Destroy all my past records ; medical report, albums, diaries and such because I really don't want to remember any of them. I don't want to remember who was my enemy, my first crush and what are the most embarrassing moments I have ever experienced. God.

8) Asked for forgiveness from my parents for my past stupid actions without feeling any embarrassment because I am not sure what happened in the past. So, all I have to do is pleading innocently.

9) Enjoy living while making messes, sometimes, because I believe at the end of the day, no one would put the blame on me. In another words, I think this is the time when I can try to do something extraordinary without losing my pride - maybe I could even try to upgrade the rice cooker into bombs! - But I hope i won't ended up being admit to a mental hospital!

10) Become more dependent towards person whom I trusted the most - parents and family. I am not sure if this is actually an opportunity for me to reconcile with everyone but if yes! I won't take it for granted. 

Bare in mind that when a person is losing his/her past memories, it does not simply mean that a person is crazy or insane. Sometimes, they lose their memories as a result of being traumatic or phobia towards incidents and sometimes they even lose their memories because of suffering a great pain of pressure and stress.

10 Tips On How To Be Confident To Speak In English

I bet everyone loves to watch English films or movies but I believe not everyone can speak as fluent as those actors and actresses.

As for the first step, why don’t you try to imitate Eggsy’s dialogue above? Well, of course you may pronounce it correctly but in your very own accent which is slightly different from him. But who cares? He is a native speaker. He speaks English almost every day in his life; either at home or at works, during day or night, it is the only language he used – unless he went to Japan or Korea when he had no choices other than to speak like one of those Japanese or Koreans.

By the way, do not get discourage. You only tried it once and you have no concrete reasons to start waving your white flag. Come on, lift up chin and be confident! I believe that everyone has right to learn English regardless their backgrounds and skin colours.

Well, remember! Rome is not built in a day and you are not supposed to master the lesson on the first day of class. You need to practise. I need to practise. Everyone needs to practise – even Justin Bieber needs to practise when he first tried to say thank you.

But, as you know learning process takes time and it is quite challenging so you have to be physically and mentally prepared. I have encountered a lot of challenges which sometimes lead me to give up but then I remembered this quote saying :

“Sometimes you have to get knocked down lower than you have ever been to stand back up taller than you ever were” – anonymous

So, basically here are some tips which we can practise on how to be confident to speak in English ;

1) Listen to English songs.

Music is a great way for learning English vocabulary, grammar, phonetics and such. This is proven when people may be having a hard time reading an article from New York times in Literary supplement, but they often memorize and understand every word from Britney Spears and Taylor Swift (depending on your musical inclinations)

2) Read novels which are written in English.

This may helps to improve our grammar and sentences structures. However, I am sure that there is only a few of us who really loves to read English’s novels while the others keep on giving out never ending excuses;  “God! I don’t even read long posts on blogs so are you expecting me to read those hundred-pages novels?” –  Why not? It is part of learning!

By the way, be careful when choosing English’s novels to read as some of them may be INAPPROPRIATE.

Here are my must-read suggestions:

3) Watch English movies or films without the subtitles.

Okay. This is the hardest. No doubt. I still remember my first time watching movie ‘2012’ without the subtitle and it was kinda frustrating as I had to give my best to focus on their dialogues. However, at the end of the day I realized how useful it was as I got to listen to their accent properly.

4) Practise to speak in English at home.

Sometimes you are encouraged to converse with your parents or siblings in English. Of course, you may find it hard at the first place but eventually it will be alright. Let’s give a try!

5) Practise to write our diaries in English.

I have learnt this tip from a guy whom I have met during ‘Open Your Eyes’ programme. He was my group’s facilitator and he confessed to us that writing a diary in English was his way of learning as it helped to sharpen his writing skills and broadened his vocabulary.

6) Use English when you are interacting with your friends.

It is undeniable that sometimes learning English from friends is better as they are closer to us. They seem to know us inside and out. Therefore, do not hesitate to communicate with them in English as it may helps to improve our self-confidence. Plus, good friends won’t simply judge you for your broken English as they know your limits.

7) When writing an essay, use words which are simple and understandable.

Everyone is encouraged to use bombastic words when writing an essay if only they know how to use them correctly. But if you are confused you better let alone the phrases. Don’t bother to use it as you might get the definition wrong. Therefore, it is adviseable to use simple words which are easy to understand.

8) Know the basic of grammar.

This is the most important tip. Do not dream to write a good piece of essay or speak confidently in English if you have zero knowledge on grammar. You must at least know the basic of it so that you can blend well with English writing styles.

9) When updating your status on Facebook, write it in English instead of Bahasa Malaysia.

I am sure everyone is good at this. Well, most of them simply rewrite the quotes which they found at google and update it as a status on Facebook or make it as a photo description on Instagram. By the way, it is not a crime so do not worry. Plus, have you ever realized that it is actually a baby step in learning English so it is okay!

10) Do not give up.

This is one of the common tips which everyone is tired of listening to. For whatever you do people will keep saying “Hey! Don’t give up. You are halfway to your success”, but do you ever understand what did they mean? It is actually “Hey! It doesn’t matter if you make mistakes when learning, as mistakes are proofs that you are actually trying! Keep your spirit high, young lady. Don’t look back.”

Remember! Everyone has right to learn English. So, don't waste more time and start to learn English language immediately as it may benefits us in the future. Plus;

Challanges In Acquiring English Language

I used to envy those people who can speak fluently in English. Well, of course! I do love to hear how they pronounce each word correctly in either American or British accents but at the same time, I hardly understand the reasons why I cannot be one of them? Why can’t I be the one who speak as good as Hermione Granger from Harry Potter or as fluent as Jack from Titanic?

Instead, I was more like Ha Dong Hoon (Haha) from Running Man – remained silent whenever people asked me in English even if I have got this urge to answer. It was awful that I could not even bear to look at the person straight in the eyes. I was shaking and nervous. Yes! I was a coward.

But then I realized. I need to change myself. I can’t just sit still watching the same incidents kept on occurring. I need to do something. And that was how I finally attracted to learn English as my second language, not as a medium to gain popularities! (if only you understand what I mean)

By the way, the process of learning English is not easy. I swear. There are many spellings to remember, plenty of words to memorize and billions of grammar, verbs, and nouns to understand – however, it does not mean that I would simply giving up and continue to act like an ignorant student.

So here I would like to share 10 challenges that I/everyone faced in acquiring English Language;

1) Limited learning environment.

English is used widely in Kuala Lumpur, Selangor and even Sarawak but not here in Terengganu. Of course, I feel pretty disappointed and I really can’t take it when people stare at me as if I am a criminal who had just been released after years in jail whenever I speak in English. Don’t they ever realize how their reactions might affect and kill my dreams? Don’t they realize just how much English is important to us and why can’t they stop being the limiting factors? Come on.

2) Friends are not supportive.

I have this kind of friends who will sulk if I scored higher than him/her in English language – childish, I know! I tried to fix our friendship by offering myself to help them with the language but they refused. So what am I supposed to do? Do I have to purposely make mistakes during examinations? Do I have to act like I don’t even know how to spell ‘good morning’ so that our friendship will remain forever? 

3) Not all English songs are suitable for learning.

I know that by listening to English songs, it actually can help to improve my pronunciations. But sadly, not all English songs are suitable for learning especially those with rock or pop rock genres and those which bring inappropriate meaning.

4) Lack of confidence.

I used to lose my confidence whenever I had to deal with something related to English language. From writing an essay to delivering a speech, it was hard. I could not even handle myself as I am afraid of what people might think of me.

5) Limited English reading materials.

I read English novels as references for me to improve my writing skills and enriched my vocabulary. But, I had to choose carefully as not all novels are suitable for me to read. Some might contain inappropriate words and some might cost a lot of money.

6) I get bored easily.

As for me, I don’t really like to learn English by only listening to the teachers as I will get bored easily. Therefore, I think it would be better if the teachers prepared some games for us during the classes.

7) The pros will mock at the beginner.

This actually happened and it was kinda pathetic that I had nearly lost my self-confidence when I was a beginner. However, as for today I really don’t understand what makes the pro’s were acting that way because as I remember, we were all in the process of learning. 

8) I hardly understand the uses of grammar.

This is common among us, as students. For example, I tend to confuse when should I use past participle and present participle?  What are the differences between ‘reach’, ‘reaches’ and ‘reached’? Then, what is verbal?

9) Vocabulary.

Is often a challenge, particularly when it comes to verb variations and understanding which tense should be used in various situations? English has one of the biggest vocabularies of all languages, and it can be very confusing for non-English speakers like me to master. By using vocabulary inaccurately is incredibly noticeable to anyone who’s first language is English, though it does not often change the meaning of your text, it does weaken it.

10) Pronunciations.

Knowing how to pronounce words in English can be very difficult as it isn’t always obvious. English speakers have been taught these from an early age, which is how they know not to pronounce the ‘k’ on ’knight’ but not me! Plus, they are taught the subtleties in how to pronounce something to communicate the right message.

So yes! There are many challenges which I had encounter when learning English. But, trust me, I don't give up easily as I often reminded myself on how hard Kim Jong Kook was struggling to learn English at the age of 36 (and he did it!) 

Kim Jong Kook was trying to differentiate between 'whether' and 'weather'. 
(Instagram for desktop version)

The New Me

I am not sure if I should be saying this as I am not a perfect human being. I make mistakes - sometimes I spend too much money on useless stuffs and sometimes I even wasted my times watching too many dramas which then, I found them frustrating. But, that's it. I am who I wanted to be. Plus, the fact that I am a growing up teenager never affects my lifestyle.

I totally had no idea on what I have been looking for all this time, after experiencing 18 years of living in my hometown. But, trust me. Somehow, I feel like I am just an ordinary girl who is lacking something. Is it money? - Oh you sure must be kidding. Or maybe love? God. Mom and dad shower me with lots of love and care so what am I expecting?

I feel uneasy until one day I questioned myself ;

'WHO AM I GONNA BE?'

Well, of course. I definitely will never become a prime minister as I am not into politics and for sure, I would never become an engineer (which dad had always dreamed of) as I have this kind of love-hate relationship with addmaths - at the same time I used to tell mom that being a chef is at the bottom of my list so don't bother to have me memorize all types of spices. Next, a tailor? Oh, it never crossed my mind even once. Seriously.

Okay, wait. Maybe that is too much. Actually, I do think that I might become a chef but when I imagined myself in apron, holding pans in both hands like a pro, I had suddenly become a paranoid. What if I accidently put sugar instead of salt? What if I have mistaken parsley for lemon grass? – which is actually kind of impossible as my ten years old brother could recognize them well.

Seriously, this is such a nerve-wrecking! I need to know what I wanted to be so that I can make my way towards it. Therefore, I went to asked my friends the same question and guess what? They simply answered it with a joy.

“Oh, I want to do business in the future. Well, you know how much I like the smell of money coming in”

“I am thinking of having my own cloth lines. Who knows maybe Angelina Jolie would wear one of my pieces during Oscar in the future”

“ I had love to join the medical team. As you know, it is all about treating people who are suffering for diseases and I bet it could not be any better when someone thanked you for your hardwork.”

That is when I feel a sudden pang that awakens me from my fantasy. A medical team. At that very moment I have this feeling in me saying that I wanted to become a neurologist, but then I, cowardly hide the fact as I thought it is nothing but ridiculous. However, it keeps on bothering me which at last I had decided to discuss it with my parents and teachers.

To my surprise, they believe in me. They said it is possible - but that only valid if I am willing to sacrifice a lot of things including window shopping. Honestly, I had like to protest but then I realize, I am actually making towards my dream, so who cares? Who is craving for that Dior perfumes when I am about to achieve my lifetime goal? - unless they are on sales haha

Okay. So, that's it. I am deleting my previous characters and I am struggling inside to build the new me. Consequently, I will make sure everything will work out as it planned and I know, I can. On the other hand, I am coping with my self-confidence and so far, it is going good. Plus, I remember this quote which helps to keep my spirit high. 

"Don't compare your struggles to anyone else's. Don't get discouraged by the success of others. Make your own path and never give up"